This is a picture of me opening my left eye about as wide as I can at the moment. You may have seen me complaining on Twitter about not being able to get on cam, and I’m really not exaggerating. If there are more than zero lights on I literally cannot open my eyes some days without it feeling like someone is stabbing them with a fork. I’ve spent a lot of time sitting around mostly listening to TV because it hurts too much to look at it.

I’ve had problems with pretty nasty dry eye since the summer, so now with the addition of cold, dry winter air it’s almost impossible to function. At this point I’m figuring I might need my thyroid meds adjusted or it could be a side effect from other medication I’m taking… or… something. It’s definitely not normal lack of humidity anymore. Especially now that I’ve taped up my drafty kitchen door and have two humidifiers running in here. Walking into my apartment from outside feels like you’re walking into the rainforest pavilion at the zoo. I’m not sneezing anymore, no more nosebleeds, not in danger of developing lizard scales. But my eyes still feel like shrivelled little raisins. I have six different kinds of eye drops in my apartment. Ibuprofen helps some, but not enough. Going to the doctor for blood tests soon, I guess. Hate hate hate hate hate. I’m a total wuss and those things make me nearly pass out every time, otherwise I wouldn’t have put it off this long. Inability to look at things has finally become more of a problem than my fear of needles.

So, I’d love to have been camming more lately — but since I’d have to do it in the dark and I’m not able to look at the computer screen without squinting it’s not working out. I tried a black light show the other day and it was way too slow to stay online, but maybe that was just a bad night. Maybe I’ll try it out again. Those lights aren’t nearly as stabby. Or we can pretend I’m some kind of reptile and just use the one red light bulb I’ve been turning on in my living room to make sure I don’t trip over things (not that all the light or vision in the world stops me!) I just wish that when I did get on people would stop asking me if I’m high. I mean, sometimes I am, but that’s not really relevant. I don’t think my eyes usually get red or droopy unless I smoke ALL of the drugs, and that’s just not a state I’d cam in, since I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to log in to the broadcaster, and even if I could I’d get distracted halfway through the process :p

Still going to try to get on tonight, though. Hoping that using up all of the hot water in the shower, some ibuprofen and half a bottle of eye drops will be sufficient to open my eyes a few millimetres wider than that photo up there. Otherwise I’ll attain a bottle of wine and watch/listen to something sad on Netflix. Maybe tears will help me!